FIVE - S i t t i n g

Sitting.
If there is one thing that people know about zen it is sitting meditation.
Needless to say, I've been sitting a lot more than I ever have, but not every day.
It's amazing what a challenge can be, not only to find time to sit, but then to just
sit still for 15 or 20 minutes. Even harder than that is trying to let the very busy mind settle down and be still for even a few seconds.

Anyhow... I'm no expert on sitting.. I'm very much a beginner, but...
I've noticed that since I've been sitting more that I tend to pay attention to what my mind and body are doing throughout the day. I guess it's just being more aware? Beyond just being aware it's also an active watching, if that makes any sense. For example, when I get upset about something I feel the anger, frustration, hurt etc. as I normally would, but I'm less reactive. I feel the feelings, but also try to step back and be objective about what's going on in the situation, what I'm feeling and where that might be coming from. I don't try to fix anything, push anything away, shove it down or do anything at all really. I just trying to pay close attention and not make judgments about it.

If something is still bothering me at the end of the day then when I sit down to meditate I sit with it. I might ask "what is this" or "what are these feelings" but not try to find an answer. I'm sure everyone is different, but I'm really trying to learn not to try and FIX everything. I'm noticing that if I can refrain for trying to fix it and just really listen to where it is coming from it will tend to soften on it's own or maybe teach me something that I need to grow. But.. this is just what I'm finding right now and, like I said, I'm sure the whole process is very individual.

So... the last time I sat (last night) I came up with something that helped me. It wasn't some profound transmission from nirvana or some kind of wacky thing like that. But... like most things that feel profound it the moment, it was quite simple.
It was simply this... When I'm feeling anger, pain, hurt, frustration and so on, it's really helpful to just let those feelings be for a moment (maybe gently set them aside) and really try to understand the person or people that I'm reacting to.
I find that if I really stop to listen or try to understand what feelings are coming up for them... and I don't me just listing to a list of facts, details or excuses, but really trying to learn where they are coming from it goes a long way in reducing any negative reaction I might be having.

So, I realized that the next time my kids are having a argument and come to me to help sort it out, instead of listening to each on of them tell their side like I normally do, I'm going to try to get each one to listen to the other about how they are feeling and why they are feeling that way. Might not work.. haha! But... it's a step in the right direction, I think. And... it's all we can do really, keep stepping in the right direction.

Four - What is this BLOG?

I've been wonder what this blog is supposed to be. Becoming Zen.... It's like I'm on a diet, I'm logging my steps and if I get skinny you can follow my map to success. But... it's actually not like that at all. I don't think they will ever be a point where I'll say "look at me, I'm zen!" So, then it just becomes a journal of me working my way through life trying to become more focused, calm, enlightened or any number of things that you might equate with being zen.

Another thing I could do is pass along information that I gather along the way from various sources.. buddhist magazines, books, internet etc. I suppose this could be helpful, but there is so much information out there, why get it second hand from me? I could tell you what I think of it or how some practice felt for me, but I'm certainly no expert.

So, the only thing I can think of is that maybe this blog could be the source of some inspiration. Maybe reading about a guy in his early 40's trying to open up his mind and heat to a better way of being on this planet would make someone else think.. "hmm, maybe I could try some of that zen stuff too." Maybe someone will say to themselves, "well, he has a full time job, a commute and two small children to raise; maybe that's not an excuse for coming home, eating quick processed foods and zoning out in front of the t.v." Or... maybe that is a fine excuse... maybe that's your path.

I guess it's also for me. It gets me to reflect on what I'm doing in my life. Sometimes when I sit down to write in this blog I realize all kinds of little details about my life that I wouldn't pay attention to otherwise. But... maybe the title is misleading? Maybe it should be Becoming Zen and Not Becoming Zen? Maybe with a title like that I'd feel less pressure when I sat down to write to make sure it was about the path to becoming a zen master. But, then again, everything is part of the path to becoming a zen master.

So, I guess I want to clarify for myself and for anyone who might stumble upon this, that this blog is about anything and everything along the road to becoming a zen master. Also, that I don't have any expectation of becoming a zen master anytime soon... or even in this life. But.. I will enjoy being on the path.